thinkin thru..
"wait upon the Lord" ---> those were the exact same words tt Auntie Carolin used just now when she talked to me.. wah seh.. see la.. the Lord is saying sth..

nv compromise quiet time for anything else.. wait ar.. i go do my quiet time.
period.
lesson learned plus what our bible study did: abt the same.. WHAT IS OUR CALLING AS A CHRISTIAN IN LIFE? ---> *ta-da* to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ... did u get the answer? :D hahha.. n what do we have to do first? by surrending our lives to Jesus Christ.. it is not as easy as it seems.. to surrender means unveil yr faces and behold the glory of the Lord.. what does it mean to behold the glory of the Lord? (another one of those "huh?!?" qns) ---> knowing who God is.. actually quite hard to comprehend la.. but slowly.. as God shows us by molding and shaping us... aaahhhh... how wonderful!!! *blessed*

bible study today abit different.. i could feel the tension in the group.. it didnt seem as vibrant.. aunt carolin's voice was much sharper and somehow irritated.. i m not judging her here.. just being sensitive.. could sense the stress and tiredness.. a principal's work is not easy.. esp with yr best fren having problems plus takin care of sch kids plus takin care of her own children when her husband is not ard plus coming down all the way to NUS to disciple us.. *impressed*
I pray that the Lord will grant her strength.. physical as well as mental strength.. her 5 o'clock schedule with the Lord aka her QT that she will nv compromised.. *impressed* but then the flesh is weak.. so Lord, we all know we are nothing.. as Paul says so tt he considers his life to be nothing except to run the race for u.. :D

speaking of bible study burrows down into the depths of the heart.. all words n no actions mean no fruit is produced.. hence, there is always a struggle to keep in line with God's word.. therefore, speakin abt it.. made me realise how impt it is to keep coming back to God when one strays.. not to listen to be numbed by our conscience "its ok", "there are enough charity shows to go ard, no need to donate anymore".. so so so.. faith without actions is dead as James say.. hence, i have decided to put the word into practise.. :D

cheers and blessings... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......... chinese new year is coming!!!

oh ya.. to promote dive awareness to all of the ppl who reads my blog.. NO EATING OF SHARK'S FIN SOUP... know why? cuz the shark population is depleting.. and they cut the fins off sharks alive.. n chuck the sharks without fins into the ocean and let them drown.. so next time when u see it, say "NO".. :D for more info.. u can come down to our dive roadshow at the forum on the 15-16th of Feb.. cya ppl there.. :D rmb.. no shark's fin soup.. its the gravy tt is nice, not the fins..




feelings..
reflecting back to the worship re-treat i had at NACLI.. when pas terry prayed for me..

"God has called you into leadership.. hmmm.. he accepts wat you have laid down for Him on the table.. the Lord tells you to not give up, but cont to wait on Him.. consecrate yourself"

Amen.
those were not the exact same words but i could still recall quite clearly.. wah seh.. it did impacted me a lot.. cuz it was like as if God was talkin to me.. so close.. so real.. tt i couldnt take it.. n i teared.. teared more and more.. unceasingly.. couldnt stop..

but i realise tt.. i m still in denial.. but i do cont to pray and seek the Lord.. cont to wait on Him.. n i did.. i will persevere.. perseverance brings out strength, right? :D

plus churchy today.. i was dreading to go for jym.. can u believe it.. until tis state already... but den it was quite fun after all.. melissa was a great companion.. cuz she had her cramps.. den go n disturb her n comfort her.. nicey girl.. then there is joel.. talk rubbish.. tryin to chat up the 2 new girls who came today.. wahhahahah.. its super funny.. then there is david.. playin on the piano.. so nice.. wah seh.. love his playing man.. hahhahah.. all is well.. at least it was fun.. n ivan's msg was great too.. gd.. i learnt some things.. :D

i love God.. u rulez!!!






Miss the times of reunion where we talk abt relationships.. hahhahah.. sharing times.. love u guys.. :D 





Spending Christmas with my frens at Germ's place.. although a bit late but i decided to post some pics.. hahhaha.. :D 



bloggin..
finally tagboard back to normal but then mood still cannot see.. oh man.. how come others can see n i cant see it.. this is weird.. ahhahahha

well well today we had CE again.. its on "how to study the bible" whoa... its a whole lot of information man.. dunno how to digest.. think i suffered from indigestion.. its pretty difficult lookin at all the measures and ways tt i can study the bible.. tedious man...

btw i guess life is back to normal.. with roadshow coming up, i think my eye bag is getting more n more obvious.. first time in my life, i know wat eye bag is cuz my smallest sis pointed out to me one day.. urgh.. hahhahahah.. we will be overworked.. urgh..

lots of work to study.. church packed with stuff to do.. bible study tmr --> cant wait.. dive club got loads of work to do.. psych RP experiments to participate in... whoa!!! hope i can survive through this few weeks..




tag n mood
i cant read my tagboard n mood.. wat is wrong with my com.. urgh.. haiz.. sadz.. wat did i do.. oh no... how to fix tis man..




void
i can feel it.. a void in my heart.. i wonder what is wrong..

whether izit lack of frens, whether izit abt my spiritual life, whether it is just me acting weird.. wat is wrong.. how come got void..

in church today, i played the 2nd keyboard.. i was simply so engrossed in playing my hearts out for God and worshiping.. it was really great.. i could even sense the presence of God.. but how come got this void?

on one hand, u get this emotional hype den it died to a void.. God shld have replaced tt void.. is tt void needs to be resolved and settled.. but i dunno what tt void is.. *confused*

void.. i have a feeling its abt me not having any true frens in churchy.. well frens are great but frens whom u can talk yr hearts out ---> 0
sad, isnt it.. tis is what i call pathetic.. haiz.. sharing hearts out is difficult when i m not such a lovable person.. i can understand.. ppl, no need to force k.. its quite obvious most of the time.. haiz.. sianz..

the void is still there.. i wonder if all tt meant nothing.. all tt hype meant nothing.. ppl coming up to say, "wah, weiying, not bad ar", "wah, very gd.. very loud leh".. praises are great but den there is still the void.. cheryl, come back to church leh.. replace tt void.. ha.. i m desperate.. i want to get OUT!!!

i need u, Lord!!! to fill the void.. to help me understand the void and to get rid of it once and for all..




1st bible study of the year...
finally.. bible study for tis yr started.. although its late, better than nv.. clique man.. hahhahah.. but its true.. n its very refreshing.. haven had tt feeling for a long time man.. hahhahaah.. so good to be in God's quietness and soakin in the word of the Lord..

knowing wat does it mean to be a true christian instead of a norminal.. knowing what true christianity and where our faith lies in.. rather than in the mind where i know who jesus is but in the heart, there is no relationship.. such faith dies very fast.. dun want to be just a lukewarm christian, do what you have to do.. invite the Holy Spirit into yr heart, to stir up yr heart and open u to the wonderful world of Jesus..

who says life as a christian is smooth sailing, be prepared for a tidal wave or even an earthquake.. becuz the closer u r to God, the more troubles u will have tryin to stay close to God and struggle in the very nature of sin.. holding total sensitivity to the things you have done wrong and repent and confess to God.. well.. life is not easy.. but it takes trials, faith and perseverance to overcome.. tt is what it feels to be a christian.. isnt it exciting?? so.. wat are u waiting for??

bible study was great! but once again, reminder was crucial.. my bible study leader said, "nothing is more impt than quiet time with God, not even bible study.." hence, i did my qt just now, a bit late but at least it was done.. :p abit ashamed but well its a new start.. debbie, before getting off aunt carolin's car, asked me to sms her whenever i do my qt.. wow.. accountability.. tt was wat i have been lookin for all this while... someone to msg u to say, "have u done yr qt?" wonderful, isnt it?? cheryl, wanna join in?? :D let us encourage one another.. yup!! great.. wonderful.. yay!!!

although it started pretty lousy today in the morning due to a lot of stuff to do.. diving, music prac clashing with pa duty in church, etc.. however, God is still the best.. wahhahah.. :D




another sunday?
today started off with a swollen eye when i woke up early in the morning at 7++am.. stared into the mirror.. pondered a while "shld i go to church now or later?".. den after a few minutes of consideration, i decided to take the latter choice..

eventually i reached church, eye still swollen.. horrible.. haha.. a typical service went past.. den came jym.. prayer time was as usual but there was sth different today.. ryan shared abt sth deep in his heart.. i could felt it though, it seemed quite strong.. he mentioned abt some of the ppl in jym will have to go to hell if we continue to live life as we wished.. indeed, it is true.. but i am wondering how many ppl really heard wat he said.. its a bit disheartening.. really.. however, it was a short sermon tt struck me.. struck me deep.. cuz i m also wondering if i cont to be disobedient, prob God wont allow me to go to heaven too.. haiz..

seriously... yest i wrote sth down.. this is wat i wrote..

Why does God still treat me so good when I am so
disobedient?
Why? Its sth which everybody cannot seem to fathom. Things done
wrongly yet were forgiven. How great is God's love, forgiveness and grace? Why
do I still continue to defy Him? Sometimes I wish the wrath of God will attack
me, but I know and He knows tt i will not be able to take it. Isn't it?
Why?

i have been thinkin.. everytime abt my christian walk life.. esp the one i wrote for my assignment for psych.. i wonder if i m still consider a christian as ryan mentioned.. everytime God spoke to me, whether is it in sermons or friends or pastor talking, i will just shout "SHUT UP!".. in front of God's face.. WHAT AM I DOING? I M MAD!!! how many times have i gone thru tis phase of life.. it keeps repeating itself.. n i keep defying God.. i am seriously either crazy or mad.. i had really wished God's wrath will strike me? i dunno.. i wonder if dying is better as uncle henry mentioned today whether we are prepared to die.. anytime man.. (selfish as it seems, it really sounds selfish cuz i just want to escape, escape from trying to follow God's word but still failing n nv being able to pick up n be obedient) WHAT AM I DOING?

i m seriously fed up with myself.. either i m not trying hard enough or wat.. i did ask God to help me, i m not doing all tis by my own strength.. but the fact tt i keep failing seems to imply tt i m doing it on my own strength.. so wat izit.. i keep praying but keep failing.. maybe i didnt pray hard enough.. is tt it.. cannot be.. haiz.. fed up!!!! seriously, drained.... urgh..

side note: just now, i went down to the optic shop wanting to collect the lenses but alas, its not ready yet cuz i forgot to go down n check.. diaO.. rmb the left-lenses-went-into-the-sink incident, i told the salesgirl.. n she gave me another left eye lense free.. wah.. good sia.. so blessed..

oh ya.. another thing i must say.. i m super blessed to have law.. if dun have him ar, i think i will truely despaired with all the misery n nonsense which i m facing in church.. i thank God for him.. sometimes i wonder, if dun have him ar, i had prob just fade off from the face of the earth.. the importance of him made me realise how fortunate i m.. n i thank God for tt.. so i will not be disobedient and i shall cont to pray.. n ppl out there, pls pray for me too.. :D

thinking thru again.. prob i m trying to run away, escape from the horrible truth tt i m disobedient. unwillingly to let the Holy Spirit do its work in me.. WHY AM I SO IDIOTIC? I HATE MYSELF... i cannot come to terms myself.. difficult.. really difficult.. THIS IS KILLING ME TO THE CORE!!! AH!!!

got conned...
no wonder i m conned.. so stoopid n gullible n so on... haiz..

i am talkin abt the textbooks which i bought online from the past students who took the modules.. they dare to charge me a higher price than the market price.. urgh.. i got chopped.. wah!!! urgh... cannot stand it.. next time, i shld just buy from the bookstore.. or shld i say i shld just wait and see how..

i realise the psych textbooks are interesting to read.. so its really a pleasure reading it.. besides the living with maths textbook is also very interesting except that its a bit too wordy.. but nonetheless, its a gd read.. not bad.. i m absolutely happy..

n yest the night of genesis chapters 1-3 was indeed very wonderful.. refreshed my mind of how God created the heavens and the earth.. wah.. so many truths to know abt.. i really encourage all of you to attend ce.. wahhahaha.. right, pfm? genesis aka the beginning.. hmmm.. it was gd.. :D

time to pack my desk.. its in a mess again.. urgh.. :p the shelves are still not cleared.. oh bother.. why am i so lazy? haiz...




first day of school...
wheee... finally school started.. :D its great to be back in school and attending lectures.. tis sem shld be fun except for theatre.. heard its tough.. scary.. dun like it when ppl tell me its tough... make me dun feel like studying b4 it even got started.. urgh.. :(

anyway.. today i lost my left side contact.. oh man.. tt was terrible.. had to replace it with focus dailies.. good tt i still got.. or else.. urgh.. but i was pretty sad tt i dropped it without knowing.. urgh.. n the bus driver had to scold me when i was boarding the bus.. oh well.. terrible terrible..

tmr ce lessons are starting.. hope its interesting... wahahhah.. wondering wat ce is? its christian education.. :D

cant wait for my psych lessons to start too..

collected my textbooks n paid for them too.. at an exorbitant price.. i tink.. hahhaha.. :D




torment and anguish...
yet another night of boredom.. why does it seem like i got nothing better to do.. urgh.. hate it..

i have got no books to read.. no textbooks for me to browse thru for leisure.. no websites for me to see.. no games for me to play with.. hmm.. well i did played a new game, its called "diner dash", quite fun.. highly recommend.. but it has to last for only 1 hour.. :p wat!!! hmph.. i shld start doing something constructive.. i m crapping again.. i shld sleep.. tmr got mtg..

boring.. :D




serve night again...
forgot to update abt yest.. it was serve inauguration 2005.. cohort is getting bigger every year.. the methodist representatives are strong.. i can see they really strongly recommend this programme to their youth.. hence the overwhelming response of the individuals.. moreover, methodist churches are more united.. hence, the case i guess.. sole individuals from various churches can just come willingly, i m truely impressed.. gd gd.. at least ppl are responding more.. i guess anglican churches have to do more work den.. :D

yest bishop spoke again.. and not to forget he prayed for me last year.. wah!! its always nice to hear the bishop speak.. always so drama n solemn n the message is always good.. filled with wisdom always.. but tis time round with a sense of urgency n straightforwardness/crudeness.. tis is much needed at times like these ---> as he mentioned.. i could still rmb vaguely what he said.. wanted to pin it down yest but i forgot..

so here goes.. abt we, serving a holy and jealous God.. are we even fit to serve this God? Have we been tryin to be holy? Making a covenant with God, not to make him angry.. incuring God's wrath? wah, definitely scary..

his msg did somehow made me wonder abt my shallow life.. what am I doing again? forever slacking, lazying ard.. oh man.. i realise i nv do anything productive.. first, i wanna keep my covenant with God this year and the years to come.. 2nd, hopefully i do my best n study hard.. STOP slacking..

i seriously cant wait for bible study to start.. it has stopped for like so long.. ever since november and december.. oh man.. i m spiritually thirsty.. rights, cheryl? :D




realisation too late...
haiz.. its stoopid me again.. haiz.. getting angry.. for wat.. haiz.. being bitter for myself.. nv understanding abt the other party.. too focus on self.. selfish freak... haiz.. cannot stand it.. sometimes i wonder. do i use my brains or not.. keep letting emotions to rule my head.. oh mind!!!

rights.. me being angry.. doesnt mean other ppl also having a very good day.. sorry for not being understanding, law.. haiz.. me n my selfishness.. haiz.. terrible.. terrible...

well well.. i have to learn, dun I.. :D results suck..




i hate it...
i hate it when ppl are just trying to be irritating.. i angry, the person also must choose to be angry.. tis is retarded.. hate it.. idiots..

stop making me mad.. i hate it when ppl keep talkin abt results.. keep saying my results is poor esp when he is the person u like.. idiot.. forget it.. i m angry.. urgh.. irritating..

ppl out there, STOP askin abt my results before i kill u all.. urgh.. i say STOP!!! get it..




boring...
tis a boring day.. haha.. n my nose is running non-ceasingly.. its disturbing.. ;D

i just found out tt.. time table with gek1505 clashes with pl1101e.. idiot.. now wat.. pl1101e's quizes has to be taken on a separate day n tt clashes with the CA test for gek1505.. want to kill me izit.. how to take both tests at the same time.. the time table always gives me trouble.. wat m i going to do.. urgh.. tis is terrible.. haiz..

i want to play roller coasters.. i m seek of staring at the internet stuff n getting nothing out of it.. its boring.. haiz.. sims2 is getting boring for me.. i shld do sth constructive.. my nose is running again.. *urgh....

terrible.. terrible.. stoopid sinus..




urgh...
i hate it.. why izit tt ppl can tell u they dun study yet can get 3.2.. wat is tis.. urgh.. well ppl are just clever.. haiz.. n me the dumb one exists.. to let them win according to the bell curve.. hahhahha.. siao.. but den.. haiz.. irritating la..

anyway i can view results liao.. not gd.. not gd at all.. but i still thank God for it.. cuz it means i have to or i shld be working hard.. hahhah.. :D time to buck up plus i have my fav modules which i m takin tis sem.. n i think i also need to work on the lang.. my english is really like s*** i mean seriously, although qet got B- so not so bad la.. wahhaaahahha.. :D i think..

results arent everything, of cos.. den some ppl will say "the past is the past, look forward" urgh.. i hate those words.. like tryin to think of sth to say but nothing better to say.. n to a depressing person, i dun think tt is the best advice, maybe cuz of its overused times.. well well..

time to wisen up.. for a moment, i was quite happy tt my results came so late, cuz den i no need to tell ppl n den i also wont be sad.. den ppl also wont get to compare which is gd.. but den u realise all the ppl u know get so gd grades.. feels like committing suicide.. hahhaha.. kiddin.. i mean look!!! all those ppl ask me for my grades first b4 i asked them.. so wat does it mean.. apparently their results are quite gd la.. urgh.. just lookin for ppl to compare with.. idiots.. hee... well well.. its gd..

my anger is vented.. :D ganbatte!!! watch out, u ppl!!! urgh...




yay.. thank God..
wah.. finally.. i got to bid for my modules.. so close.. oh man.. hahah.. thank God..

as today's qt was telling me already.. i still want to turn blind eyes..

Have you been asking God what He is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do -- He reveals to you who He is. Do you believe in a miracle-working God, and will you "go out" in complete surrender to Him until you are not surprised one iota by anything He does?
Believe God is always the Gd you know Him to be when you are nearest to Him

and yes indeed. i think i worry too much.. such things only speak of how great God is.. no matter what happens, God will always be there to help me. Thank God.. or else I wont be able to get my modules.. :D

yay!!!

screwed...
seriously.. i m really screwed.. i have no bidding pts in my system at all. i cannot bid at all.. wat crap is tt.. how m i going to have my modules den.. urgh.. i m so so so screwed.. urgh.. now i cannot bid for my modules.. neither can i contact the helpdesk.. wah.. i m so super screwed... first i cannot get my results.. now they dun even let me bid for my modules.. wat is tis.. wat are they tryin to do.. urgh... *urgh!!!!!*