thinkin...
i wonder if what i have done.. whether i m satisfied.. whether i shld reconsider doing what i m doing now.. i wonder if everything has either right or wrong.. i wonder if things could have gone wrongly..

probably i could have been killed in the tidal wave disaster in phuket.. maybe i could have.. maybe i wish i could have been killed.. maybe it was better tt i didnt live den.. BUT i didnt.. (n so stop talkin abt it) I am just being irritating.. just thinkin abt it.. everyone has been telling me how lucky i was tt i didnt get killed n blah blah blah.. n many times i have to correct them tt i m not lucky, its just God's will tt I wasnt killed.. there must be greater things to be done.. i dunno what though..

here i m.. staring at the computer screen typin my blog.. i wonder. wonder. wondering. wondered. whether my pms is way too strong. it is eating into my moods terribly. urgh. it happens all the time.

i hope i can survive the next whole year. i really hope so. even though i know doing God's work is impt, i keep having the feeling tt i cannot last n i will definitely be flattened out or go burst. why izit so strange. my mood swings are terrible.

n wat modules m i suppose to take next year.. oh boy.. i still need one more.. my fav modules are gone.. oh man.. now i have jap lang2, intro to psych, stats n stuff, theatre studies... i still need one more module.. just wondering what shld be impt.. have been thinkin whether i shld take malay.. or even some religious module.. i wonder if there is.. but i dunno which is good.. haiz..

this is terrible..




overwhelmed...
for the past two days, i have been having my youth leaders' re-treat in church.. i have been feeling pretty low n miserable because of a girl.. she doesnt know tt she has been affecting me for the past 2 days.. n its really terrible.. i was lonely, miserable.. n stoopid.. i dunno how to say bcuz those feelings r gone already.. the results that cannot be gotten. plus the added sickness that I got. the feeling tt nobody cares for u. ignores u. treats u as if u shld know how to take care of yrself. ppl who are too pre-occupied with what they are thinking. ppl who likes to do things their own way. ppl who nv care abt what others feel. irritated.

all becuz of wat i saw on TV just now.. for the past few days, it had been so miserable for the ppl who lost their own relatives.. yet here I am, living in the comforts of home yet still feeling miserable (talking abt wanting to quit church, wanting to die n stuff) I didnt realise.. it took just moments n flashes of pictures to realise tt there are far more greater things tt need to be done. I was so afraid.. n shocked.. I could have been killed there n den.. I was just there 2 weeks ago. 2 weeks ago, God could have allowed the earthquake to hit earlier. And I could be swept away from the face of the earth. Why did God allowed me to live? definitely the gospel needs to be preached faster. Is God angry? the countries hit: Sri Lanka, India, Indonesia, Thailand, Myanmar (Burma), Maldives, Bangladesh and Malaysia.

whoa!!! what a big hit! I am really overwhelmed. Lost for words. How to help them? Tragedy. Imagine how many people have just lost their lives without knowing Jesus as their personal Lord and Saviour.

the reason why I had chosen to stay behind is becuz of God. I want to do God's work. This is not determined by how others treat me or how I am feeling. Although its pretty miserable at times, where there are no frens to talk to u n care abt u, I still chose to stay behind. Moreover, by the disaster that just happened only makes me realise how much the world needs u, God. :.....(




merry belated christmas... :D
its always a joyous season when it comes to christmas.. tis yr God didnt fail to touch my heart once again.. i wasnt lookin for it.. but it just came n sweep u thru.. :D

christmas eve...
me n law went to ate at outback.. wheee... good food.. but bloated stomach.. hahaah.. it was a great dinner.. den we were bored.. sian.. nothing to do.. *tink* suppose to have service, so went for service instead.. n it was great just being in the Lord's house n worshipping Him.. it really makes a difference where u r-- either u can go esplanade n nuah.. or u can to church n enjoy the warmth of God's loving hands.. :D its great.. to always be with God..

lawrence is really steadfast in doing wat he does.. he doesnt break promises n change his mind.. his determination n patience n perseverence really impacted me with a blow!!! whoa!! really.. i m totally impressed.. n i m glad he is not those wishy washy type.. he is always sure of wat he wants.. n i know he treasures our relationship.. basil--> is tis the nice guy u r talkin abt??

christmas
the day where we rejoice as our Saviour is born.. :D joy to the world!!! the day past by rather slowly n dreary today.. dunno why.. but den.. sth strange happened.. just 1 hour b4 the end of christmas day.. law msg me.. a heart warming msg tt nearly made me cry.. :D thanx a million.. w/o it, i will probably have msged joshua n ask him whether he wants to go out or not.. oh man.. wat was i thinkin abt man.. i cant believe it.. i was really struggling whether i shld write a msg but in the end, i didnt.. all bcuz of a msg sent by law.. n i knew i had made the right choice ---> by not msging joshua..
the past.. i shld have let it go long ago.. still clinging on for wat.. haiz.. i want to scold myself man..
just now, went to germ's place, really enjoyed the fellowship with my frens from yi.. lovely, heart warming too.. had hope it wouldnt end.. but it was great being with my frens n talkin abt the fav topic of girls--------------------> "guys n BGR" yipppee..... hahah...

i wonder if law receive Christ yet.. prob he did.. he mentioned abt God too in his msg.. hee.. i wonder.. :D hope he is comfortable with church.. its always great to see ppl talkin to law.. so he can integrate better.. haha... :D great!!!

love ya ppl.. tis the season to be jolly.. still christmasy mood... :D




whoa.. whoa.. whoa..
now a pastor knows my blog.. how is tt possible.. sms u? dun u think tt is scary.. haha.. hmm.. dunno why.. hahaah.. --> nervous laughter..

now i wonder if andrew is my pastor too.. haha.. well well it seems to be.. so strange.. well its gd..

both of u can give some help to me.. :D i wonder if my pastor knows abt it.. ha.. oh man.. tis is terrible.. my life is quite messed up.. ha.. so ashamed.. urgh..

to buddy, dun u think so.. ha..

late at night.. thinkin abt the funny situation i m in.. oh man.. haha..

well.. just now i went swimming with lawrence.. it was great.. doing healthy activity together.. den we went to buy stuff (the glutinous balls, milk, cereal, envelop) ---> instructed by my father n mother to do these duties.. first time man.. hahahha.. but its gd.. i manage to complete the tasks assigned..
had a talk with lawrence regarding abt converting to a christian.. its true tt if he had wanted to convert just to be with me, he could have done so earlier on already.. but the fact tt he didnt.. he was sure.. actually he told me he believe already.. but den how.. how to let him be sure.. tell my pastor?? izit? pastors, help help.. haha.. oh ya, n he read the bible.. he was confused abt the part tt we must deny our parents to follow Christ.. thinks tt its too extreme or sth like tt.. hmmm.. difficult to explain.. :D

although its a bit strange having pastors reading my blog but at least got ppl to keep me in check la.. haha --> nervous laughter again.. but it still seems scary though.. haha..

busy busy.. oh man.. gotta buy prezzies tmr.. gotta hurry.. not much time left..






the gang in the tuk tuk.. hahah.. (from left to right: law me kimsong huizhen-only shoulder can be seemed- ) 





the whole gang of ppl who went to similans.. :D it was taken on the last day.. 





the boat's name.. weird right.. but its cool.. 





super beautiful.. tis pic.. taken in similans.. whee... 



shocked..
got a shock when i saw my blog n so many ppl tag.. quite a lot.. considering tt i only told kim.. haha.. girl, i m not blaming u.. cheers :D

to whoever wrote using pfm, its quite scary to know tt.. if its real, i will be dead by now.. if its false, the person who wrote it is too cruel.. ha.. stop pretending..

to my beloved frens, i m fine.. dun worry.. i m back to normal.. n things have been gd.. with God ard, wat can simply go wrong.. haha.. :p

to buddy, obviously i will rmb u.. the one who abandon me halfway.. haha.. didnt mean to remind u.. but its true..

updates...

life is great! really great!! I always treasure the times spent with God esp in the mission trip.. gd to see everyone so ready to do devotion early in the morning.. super impressed.. motivated me to move on too.. :D mission trip was great too.. manage to share the gospel with my broken chinese.. i realise after so long of not speakin chinese, it has turned out to be lousy.. but at least they understand.. cute kids.. love them lots.. God taught me tt He had been faithful.. n i have to too..

me n lawrence.. things are great too.. we spent the whole morning discussing explicitly abt our relationship with one another.. tt in the end, we shld be frens.. the most impt thing we conclude is tt he is not a christian yet.. n tt is super impt in our relationship if we want it to work.. :D know, ppl?? but its great, we have decided to keep the relationship pure n simple.. we will be frens.. ppl out there, frens ar.. frens tt go out together but not couple closeness.. frens tt like each other.. yup.. i did prayed abt it during the mission trip.. so tis decision is great.. going according to wat God approves.. :D *happy*

abt joshua.. its quite gd.. :D hope he is being blessed too.. :D he is still great!! girls, do cherish him if u all know him.. haha..

christmas is coming.. i cant wait.. but my prezzies are all not ready.. i m so dead
hahhahah...






riding the plane back to singapore.. miss the times man.. jan is rich.. she bought the 3 adidas cap.. hahaha.. she is crazy.. :D (from left to right: jan, me n monir) not to forget the tiger that he gave the both of us.. so sweeeeeeeeeetttttttttt...  





ha.. i think tis is cool too.. me n monir lying on the beach.. sun bathing.. hahah.. nice right.. :D 





divers unite.. tis shot was taken by buddy.. :D nice view.. it was pretty scary on top of the rock.. *fear of heights* 





actually i love tis shot.. cuz i can see the different tones n colours of the waters.. so cool right.. except the part where my hair is messy.. hahah.. diving is really cool.. 





me under the sea.. haha.. look so cheezy.. wahahhahah.. but its cool..  





anticipation at the airport.. cant wait to fly to thailand for a fun underwater adventure.. :D 





ha.. my poor hair.. stoopid buddy disturbed me.. n i feel very disturbed.. hahahah.. but how come buddy will think of taking a photo with my hair being plucked out.. hahah.. similans still rockz except for the rash.. ha.. 





i like tis pic too.. buddy dan sent it to me.. hahaha.. except for the fats.. hahah.. :D urgh.. well.. similans rockz.. 





buddy loves tis pic.. i love it too.. nice.. :D except tt u can see part of alvin's head n arm.. wahhahahhaha.. similans.. whee..... 



worries..
who is worried? my buddy or me? haha.. dunno..

i m afraid.. afraid of stepping into relationships.. fear of being dumped again.. the shadow keeps creeping back.. it nv did went away.. tt explains a part of the 3 yr plan.. why..

weicheng? zhirong? josh lee? josh yeo? ---> wat impact do they have on my life?

enough is enough.. how long more gruelling hours can i stand.. haiz..

i was glad tt law came today.. ha.. thought he wouldnt show up.. but he did.. *impressed n touched actually* but i didnt say anything.. :D i wonder how long can tis "cannot start n cannot stop" relationship last.. haiz.. i m a super negative person.. haiz..

today, went to sch to sort out photos with basil n alvin.. so funny.. but den i realise i hang out too much with them.. i m super influenced by them.. now n then when i want to talk, the 4 letter word comes to mind.. [didnt i mention to u all to mind yr language, say so many times also dun wan to listen.. fools] well well.. i need to clean my ears.. n listen to God more.. those ppl.. haiz.. but it was fun hanging out with u guys.. love u guys lots.. just quite yr smoking addiction, "bitching" n vulgarities.. tt will be better.. :D




craziness
sometimes i really dunno whether to be happy or sad.. one moment u can be very happy cuz u are with the one u like but the next moment u can be upset cuz he didnt do the things i like.. haiz.. m i petty.. most prob.. n i hate tt..

wat couple mentality combined with frenship behaviour.. i dun think its working now.. im getting freakin pissed at every single small detail.. stoopid idiotic me.. hate it.. but i cant help it.. haiz.. i m super hyper sensitive to small little stuff.. do i have to ctrl myself den.. urgh.. hate tis feeling.. hate it..

sometimes izit God trying to be funny or i m the disobedient one.. i think its the latter.. i really hate myself.. haiz.. i love being ard with lawrence.. really.. love it.. but reality has to set itself in.. he is not a Christian.. n i m really forcing things my way without consulting God again.. WHAT!!! haiz.. me n my reckless ways.. just as buddy says so.. dun be reckless.. yes i know.. haiz.. cant help it.. i hate it!!

i want to get out of the situation again.. i feel insecure.. like loads n loads of pairs of eyes staring back at me, watching my every move.. haiz.. buddy.. u r not alone.. :D but on the bright side, we have God.. n tt is the greatest n most comforting thing.. cant wait for mission trip..

forget abt the gruelling part.. get out of the self dwelling misery pit.. life is gd.. enjoy!! serve God.. tt is wat i wanna do.. :D




diving in Similans...
wheee.......... it was great... the trip to thailand was great.. everything was great.. i have loads of fun there.. hmmm.. shld be.. except for the unsightly bites n scars on my legs, hands, neck n face.. all for the sake of diving.. tt really got me into a horrible state.. hahaha.. well.. but i managed to survive thru anyway.. :D they are starting to get itchy again..

talking abt the live-aboard experience.. it was great except tt i lost my swimsuit in the middle of the night.. whahahhaha.. it got blew off into the sea.. bye bye swimsuit.. but no worries.. jan had spare bikinis.. ha.. thanx a lot jan.. but i bought another swimsuit which costs ard 12 sing dollars.. n its adidas.. whee.... great, isnt it.. the whole time we were stuck in the boat.. dive eat sleep.. routine man.. dive eat sleep.. sometimes got play some mahjong, den got play some card games.. learn 2 new france card games which are quite complicated.. hahahha.. :D i slept in a quad with alvin, basil n lawrence.. 3 guys n 1 girl.. wah.. they super evil.. placed me in a small sleeping cubicle at the bottom.. i wanted to sleep on the top on.. tt alvin.. *bished* hahah.. the food are mostly seafood.. super high cholesterol.. ha.. buddy dan was great.. almost always help me check my tank.. ha.. well.. got to see big stuff.. like octopus, leopard shark, sweet lips, cuttlefish, big lobster n loads of stuff.. great isnt it.. but i missed the MANTA RAY.. hot favourite.. ah.. everyone was like so sad.. no manta.. actually lawrence is quite sad abt it la.. hahahahhah.. den i dun think got anybody else.. hahahhaha.. we hang our clothes on the railings, the sun deck was great but i didnt want to get burnt so i only went up there at night.. ha.. the island is beautiful.. it was so beautiful.. dunno where it was actually.. hahaha.. but very nice..
well.. back to patong beach.. we went to phuket town the next day to have our massage.. it was great.. only 200 baht.. worth it lor.. sing like 8 bucks only.. milk massage.. nice, make yr skin smooth.. very smooth.. hahahha.. but it was not painful at all.. so not very gd la.. hahaha.. den we ate seafood at phuket bay.. it was superb.. promoted to us by the tuk tuk driver tt we took.. it was really delicious.. we sat at the deck n admired the scenaries.. wonderful.. so relaxed.. but later become fat.. hahhahahha.. gd tt i got tt thing.. can purged out all the excess stuff.. whahahhaahaha... tt is wat i read in the mag.. ha..
in all.. it was great.. wonderful.. had great times with frens.. :D

tmr i have got to see doc becuz of my stoopid leg, hands, neck n face.. ha... but the trip was fun.. i had fun laughin at the ridiculous "bitch", got cheated, lihui's funny movements, buddy dan being nice.. hahahaha.. great great.. loving it!!!

oh ya.. abt josh.. i only thought abt him for one bit on the flight back.. wah.. great man.. i cannot believe it either.. ahhahahah.. i think.. finally i have managed to ctrl the thinkin of him liao..

mission trip is up next!!! busy.....




-unveiling glory- camp n stuff..
wow.. just a camp.. n i realise so many things have happened.. lawrence has been feeling unhappy n disturbed for half a month during the exam period.. -someone- confessed of his sin(watching pornographic sites) infront of so many ppl.. camp just ended.. dive camp is coming up.. hmmm.. time to do some reflection on my spiritual life n love life..

spiritual life:
-someone's- confession made me thought of the sin tt has been indwelling in me too.. tt is why i teared too when i heard his confession.. i guess the most hideous sins are not the murderer, saying lies, or even scolding someone.. but instead those done in the secret.. tis is also mention in the bible.. i m glad tt the -someone- is free now.. :D happy for tt person.. i dun think i will ever have the courage to do tt man.. anyway my sin is not watching pornographic websites, tt is stoopid.. haha.. i dun like porn.. but den tt sin which i committed, i dun think God is very happy either.. hence i stopped it.. which links with the next reflection..

love life:
tt sin has to do with lawrence.. i wont say much here.. but upon reflection, i have decided with lawrence to go our separate ways n we will not be together.. :D it was a great relief to have end it off.. although it resulted in givin me swollen eyes.. our relationship will not go as far becuz of tt sin.. n he blew it.. ppl have to keep thinking tt he is a nice guy.. well in fact he is just trying to be nice.. really.. how come i keep telling ppl n they still dun believe me.. make me so xin ku.. haiz.. anyway i had made a firm decision after much prayer with the Lord, i realise wat is most impt in my life.. to serve God.. its more impt than tan qing shuo ai.. which is super irritatin to me.. know?? only makes ppl sad.. makes ppl unhappy..

after the camp, it has definitely made me rethink of my walk with God.. i will keep in check n i know tt God has been with me all along.. tt God has been faithful.. it makes me feel blessed n at peace.. :D camp was great.. except i didnt manage to make more frens or else it will be as gd as COTL camp.. i miss it.. not becuz i knew joshua there.. but becuz of the numerous frens i have made n the enthusiasm tt i had during the trip..
during the camp, the 2nd day.. we saw COTL campers roamin the east coast beach.. i was deeply disturbed.. i could sense it.. i was disarrayed.. the shock of seeing joshua again freaked me out.. i was really disturbed n shocked.. den i saw tiang yue.. worse.. i immediately buried my head on the table.. i dun think he saw me.. after a few moments then i realised, why do i have to be like tt.. cuz i knew from martin tt jon wasnt there.. so i assumed if jon wasnt there, joshua will not be there either.. so all was well..
last night of camp.. i wanted to do a bit of relationship after i had come out front for wanting to be a missionary.. i didnt know wat made me came forward to the front.. but i did.. n that was the most impt decision tt i have ever made.. i think it will always be on my mind.. :D oh ya so i walked along the beach to do some soul searching.. i would think tt i will be thinking abt joshua a lot cuz tt was the place tt we visited on the last day of the year 2003.. but i didnt.. whoohoo!!! wat an accomplishment i felt.. haha.. i couldnt really concentrate.. i was thinkin of the similans trip more than anything when i look out at the sea.. :D n den abt lawrence a bit la.. cuz haiz.. not very gd.. ya lor.. prayed for a while.. but darren was there disturbing me.. hahah.. but it was ok already.. but den i had to leave cuz it was going high tide n it was getting chilly.. couldnt stay out long enough.. ha..

tmr i will be going over to jan's house for stayover.. n off i go to thailand.. dun miss me ppl.. :D i will rmb to buy prezzies for christmas.. yay!!




last post b4 youth camp'o5
well, well.. we did a dry run at east coast just now.. it was quite fun... hahahha.. i hope everything runs well tmr.. cant wait.. i m doing the ice-breakers.. so scary for me.. first time.. hmm.. at least caleb n sarah r willing to help me, makes me feel more relieved.. tt joshua ar.. horrible.. hahhahah.. forget abt him liao.. didnt even felt sad thinkin abt him...

cuz DIVING is coming... whee................................. loving it!!! cant wait..

i pray tt i will not fall sick.. :D