love hurtz
i think i ended it yesterday. the talk with Mr L. its finally over i guess. i dun intend to do anymore stoopid things like going out with him or wat.

i guess it was really great to be loved by someone. but nv getting to love tt person is worse i guess. who knows? will u marry the person whom u love more n the person who loves u more? haiz...

its really weird. i feel kind of sad. but i thought i dun like him at all. probably its just the initial state. i'll see how it goes n post again. probably everything will really end. things happened too fast, too fast. i do not even know him well at all. too fast. not good. too fast will result in things ending fast. its a cycle. no two hoots abt it.

3 yrs down the road. religion. all these matters. they do. n most imptly love. do u?




impressed...
i came upon Jan's blog.. wah.. it seems the most enriching blog i have ever (well, the fact is i haven seen many blogs, ha)

a blog full of colours, "chim" words that i really dun understand at all.. ha.. makes me feel stoopid when i read her blog but yet her contents are so heart felt.. it makes me feel like i know her so in depth.. hmm... abit of exaggeration.. well.. colours... i shld have also come up with more colours... hee...

now i cant even see what i am writing... hahah.. i mean for the paragraph on top.. hmmm... i think i am just bored... wat a boring post..

i miss God.. really do..




some serious searching n thinking...
hey ppl out there...
i really wonder what is it like to find the perfect person whom you love n will marry... i really wonder... i hope tt i will find someone soon or else i will really die from all the unneccesary relationships that i m in.. urgh... i really hate relationships, they dun seem to be going anywhere...

another thought:
i really wonder if i like Mr L. at all.. i dun think i do leh.. he's just like some fling.. it sounds really off but tt is really wat i feel.. haiz... sick n tired.. time to tell him i dun like again.. haiz... i really think i m desperate.. urgh.. someone, pls help me... dying soon.. can a lot of ppl like me at the same time.. so it makes me hard to choose den tis way i wont anyhow like ppl.. haiz...

n another one:
i still miss joshua.. joshua... y ar... of all ppl.. y joshua... he really is so perfect in my eyes la.. haiz.. if only.. i regret not treating him better.. really regret.. regret tt it came too fast n thus ended so fast.. so fast.. so pathetic.. when will things subside...

conclude:
that is why i feel i dun like Mr L. at all.. i still like josh.. how can i like 2 ppl at the same time... i really think i desperate.. it really feels good to have someone ard... wah... i cant believe i just wrote that... i m really hopeless... haiz.. get me out of this, Lord... pls...




yay... happy...
So happy that got Mr L. ard... hahhaha... so sweet of him... hahhaha...

Fornaxe says:
nitz, my darling...

tt was wat he said in msn.. rights... i just realise msn very easy to say such things... ha... so fake.. happy for nothing..well.. i'm always so naive..




idiot...
i feel like an idiot... like i not idiotic enough...

came home from church.. felt like a total loser cuz i just told my pastor tt i m straying away... wah... i hate tis... really do... hate it... shld have just kept it to myself.. urgh...

then come home... still wan to fight n scold my sis.. i think my brain cells are dead or sth...

den on the way home from church... talked to Mr L. abt my "total loser" experience... den i felt really lousy now cuz i know i was complaining the whole time... i woke him up when i called him... wah.. tt is like the worse thing to do to a guy la... wah... haiz... tis time i really die.. i can start saying "bye bye" to Mr L. ... i really loser leh... haiz...

bye bye...



sad...again...
haha... tis is weird... i'm feeling sad... very sad... my life is so pathetic... haiz...

Today, my frens were discussing about their love life. One of which is a really drama but happy ending story. However, the other one is so traumatising. Haiz... why are ppl experiencing relationship problems?

the first one... Jean... She managed to get the one she loved since she was in poly, so romantic... so great... wah... imagine liking that person for 3 yrs until now den they all together... n den realise tt the guy also liked u for 4 years but didnt dare approach her because of shyness...

the other one... Wai Wai.. in a dilemma... the guy she loved 5 yrs ago came back... but now she has a 2 yr long relationship... she dunno who she really likes... the one whom she loved 5 yrs ago or the one now who loved her so much..

so the qn is will u marry someone who love u more or u love the person more?? haiz... such things will nv occur to me man.. sad.. either i love the other party too much n the person will be frighten away... or the other party will love me alot n i dun even like the person at all.. i think Mr L. fits the 2nd category more.. haiz..

i was thinking just now abt Mr L. I wonder if i really like him or not again... i keep thinking over tis qn ar... ever since yest he didnt sent me home to the doorstep.. den i start to qn whether its worth it after all.. after all i dun really know wat is loving someone.. i think i will nv be able to get the chance to get a guy whom i really like.. haiz.. sad.. really... wah... i really hate relationships.. there are irritating... urgh...

...




sad...again...
haha... tis is weird... i'm feeling sad... very sad... my life is so pathetic... haiz...

Today, my frens were discussing about their love life. One of which is a really drama but happy ending story. However, the other one is so traumatising. Haiz... why are ppl experiencing relationship problems?

the first one... Jean... She managed to get the one she loved since she was in poly, so romantic... so great... wah... imagine liking that person for 3 yrs until now den they all together... n den realise tt the guy also liked u for 4 years but didnt dare approach her because of shyness...

the other one... Wai Wai.. in a dilemma... the guy she loved 5 yrs ago came back... but now she has a 2 yr long relationship... she dunno who she really likes... the one whom she loved 5 yrs ago or the one now who loved her so much..

so the qn is will u marry someone who love u more or u love the person more?? haiz... such things will nv occur to me man.. sad.. either i love the other party too much n the person will be frighten away... or the other party will love me alot n i dun even like the person at all.. i think Mr L. fits the 2nd category more.. haiz..

i was thinking just now abt Mr L. I wonder if i really like him or not again... i keep thinking over tis qn ar... ever since yest he didnt sent me home to the doorstep.. den i start to qn whether its worth it after all.. after all i dun really know wat is loving someone.. i think i will nv be able to get the chance to get a guy whom i really like.. haiz.. sad.. really... wah... i really hate relationships.. there are irritating... urgh...

...






see tt fist.. tt is my trademark under the sea... hahah... super funny... esp tt guy jaevis... he got a super pretty jap gf... dun play play... hahah 



depressed...

Today, I saw my fren.
She was so depressed yet she put on a smile on her
face.
You can see the mixture of pain n sadness in her face.
Yet, there is no way that we can cheer her up.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
Poor girl.

That was my fren. Poor her... nv seen her so sad before. she is always grinning when i see her. poor her... all becuz of tt stoopid guy... hate him.. guys r really horrible...

A: if someone slap u on the face... will u still smile n give him a present??
B aka my fren: (with tears welled up in her eyes) (speechless)

I guess tt was how the guy treated her, like dun like her at all n not a slap on her face of cos.. haiz... she treat him so well yet he like tt... the last time she mentioned she was sad was during jap studies.. now she sad again.. so sad.. really hope she wont be sad... see her so sad... i also very sad for her... although we are not close frens, it still makes me think of how guys can be so cruel.. haiz...

actually in fact, i do not know the whole story wat happened but i think its like tt.. haiz... sad... after watching tt korean show "stairway to heaven", i even sadder... 2 ppl love each other also cannot be together.. y... so sad... haiz...




sianz...
I'm really super sian... need to study for 2 tests in one day on tues... urgh... jap test n history... wah... history is the worst... i dun even know how m i suppose to study for it... i'm seriously lost...

wat's more... no Mr L. to keep me company... super sian... hahahha... he got things to do n stuff, which is good... at least he know where his priorities ar... me ar, dying... need to do tons of work... aiya... gotta really get down to studying...

today whole day in church... wah... exhausted... so many ppl in the ministry unhappy n reluctant to serve anymore... quite sad la... just hope things will turn out ok... :)




finally got it...
After all these while of being ignorant n not learning from my mistakes, I finally realise that I have been too naive and not repentant.

Mr L. spoke to me about it. Den I realise how stupid I have been. How come I took such a long time to realise that I could actually have been "smarter" and know how temptation can really get ppl into trouble. I should have watched out for it. And Mr L. agreed. I'm pretty happy about tt. Ha... If not for him, I think I will still be dwelling in my own misery. How ironic things turn out to be.

Well, as I have always believed, God will only give us, His own children, nothing but the best. Contented that God has always been watching me. Time to really get serious with God's word.

Tmr got campus crusade bible study. Hmmm.... busy... got jap listening quiz tmr... must think about philo essay due next week... thinking whether I should go for sports ball on Fri night... thinking whether I should go diving next week... ha... i think i must be crazy... fancy considering so many appointments.. oh ya, on fri have dg... still got jap studies proj outline due next week... urgh... busy...




an idiot...
I realised I am a total idiot, if not, a retard.

How many lessons must I go thru before I know I have done wrong? All these while, I am like an idiot. Why? Why? Why?

Always get cheated by guys. Hate them. Idiots. Why?

Conclusion that I must always hold on to:

1. Guys = Jerks
2. God is faithful
3. God cares

thinkin

Somehow, I am getting a bit worried.
Somehow, the messages that Mr L. sent me seemed monotonous
Was it done on purpose?
or is it a subtle hint of what the outcome will be like tmr?

Tmr seems like a terrible day, dunno what will happen? Strange...

Why am I always contradicting myself? Saying that God is in control of everything n now I am worrying about tmr. Its not suppose to happen this way. Why oh why?

(Sigh)Period.

I will leave everything into God's hands. Here I am, Lord. :)

finally
Finally, finished my assignment, I feel accomplished.

Wahahahha.... Although I did not go to the AYLN seminar which i am suppose to attend, I feel more at eased knowing that things are more or less settled then hanging there halfway. Tomorrow going to tioman... whoohoo another holiday... hee...

gotta pack my bag
do QT(shld have done it in the morning)
bring dive log book
check out philo website

Ah....



relieved...
nv could I feel more relieved cuz I managed to talk to Mr L. yesterday, it sort of cleared up most of the broken bits n pieces which I am blurred about. Boy am I glad that he is so approachable. Indeed, there was no awkwardness when we see each other which is a strange thing. :)

So glad knowing that God is in control. I realised I am always so rushed, so impatient, forever trying to make decisions on my mind. Nv did I realise how impt it was to hear from his pt of view n His pt of view. Really grateful for God being in control of my life. Realising I cannot just decide n tt is it, it will definitely be better if both of us talk it out.

Well, that will be this weekend. I'm still praying. This weekend going to Tio Man. Whoohoo... Hope everything will work out well, dun wan to end up with an enemy/stranger n losing a fren. :)

Thank You Lord...