Mixed feelings...
Why am I feeling so confused? Its rather strange. Didn't I want it to happen this way? What exactly is it that I want? I really have no idea. Can someone please help me?

God, pls help me. Its agonising.



Its over? or not?
Think it must be over. So soon. So soon. I do not know whether I am still in shocked mode or I am used to the reality that I face now.

Just yesterday, Mr L. mentioned that he will go and look for other girls. He mentioned that he did not want me to be unhappy. (This fact I did not mention to many ppl though) I replied with a "good den" and he too, thought it was good. Well, I do not know if I should be happy or sad. It seems like I am forever in a daze today. I cannot concentrate. Its super brain-taxing even though I know its over. What is wrong with me? Ah... I am really going to go crazy any moment.

Happy or sad? Depressed or shocked? Confused or distressed? All of these feelings mixed within me. Happy that he decide to move on and sad that he actually agreed to move on. How contradicting!!! Depressed that I will no longer be with him. Shocked that he actually did not express any major emotional changes. It just goes to mean that I am insignificant. Confused that he actually grabbed my hand 2 days ago n he has plain forgotten about it. Distressed that this whole thing has ended becuz of me, becuz I cannot accept that fact.

Forever trying to find the perfect guy who will not make any stupid mistakes along the way. Nv succeeding becuz such things will not happen. The fact that I always have failed relationships is becuz of this stupid flaw. Major flaw, cannot stand it when things go wrong(not according to wat I prefer) Yes, selfish. I think that is the case. Haiz. Forget it. Prob he is another one of those jerks. As usual. What is so surprising about it.

(Sigh)



confused.. stupid.. sad..
Strange enough.. probably i like Mr L. but i really dunno... its too early to know.. n i hate it, hate it when i m so blur n dumb...

I just got back from my dive advance course in Pulau Aur. Well, I did not manage to pass my advance course, not because of my stupidity but because I dropped my weight belt into the sea. Cannot retrieve it, cannot complete my 6 openwater dives which means I have to redo, still must fork out 30 bucks for the weight belt I lost. Urgh... Well, trip has been fine except for one stupid part...

Haiz... rights, so tis guy Mr L. tried to be funny n try to pretend to cover my hand cuz i was cold. Well, I was also stupid or shld I say desperate cuz I also didnt reject. So in the end, we remained in tt position for quite a long time until I decided it was enough n folded my arms n slept. By den, we decided it was really too cold to sleep there so we changed seats. We sat behind, but nothing happened until I was asleep den he took my hand again, I also didnt resist. Until now, I still dunno why I did tt, but den I still placed my head on his shoulder somemore. By den, I think this is enough to make a guy confused. Well, its really my fault. Too many misunderstandings plus my stumbles, stupidity really exists. (Sigh)

Things are drastic now. I do not know what to do. I told him to find other girls. Yup I did. I think he will really hate me but I think there is no choice really. Its really my fault for being stupid n desperate. (Sigh)

God, help me.



sianz...
got counselling from someone just now. urgh... n tt guy was commenting on how its alright not to like guys now n stuff... wah piang... wat nonsense... dun come n talk shit(oopz) with me... hate it... urgh...



wat i learnt today...
Today, like every normal sunday, I go to the church. But today, its a bit different. Today's msg was by this CEO of the prison officers. What I learnt from him was to discern God's calling. I realised that I have not yet prayed for God's calling in my life. Strange... I thought I learnt it during SERVE programme, well, it seems it just shoot past my head. Maybe I was afraid God's calling might be different from what I had wanted to do initially. Izit I was afraid or I am just a norminal Christian where my faith does not substantiate what I need to do.

In JYM today, I learnt about the differences of being a true christian and a norminal christian. It struck me that I have been using my own strength in trying to be righteous. Oh no... deep reflection. God died for the sinners. I realised I am just nothing but God can still use me to spread his word. And I really want to do that but first I need to get my life straight. But is this necessary, what if by that time I had died. So when izit the right time to share the gospel? How will we know? When will we ever know? Urgh...

I wondered how long I will struggle with these issues? I saw David went up on stage for the altarcall(dunno spell correctly or not), so touched by him that he is willing to stand up for his faith, knowing what his life is heading for to receive God's calling in his life. Wah!!! Wonderful, so touched. But me, I sat at the back and cried. Cried because I did not even have the courage to step out of my comfort zone to tell God that, Here I am, I lay down my life for you. Today, we sang that song during worship, I really wonder how many of us really means it. (Sigh) When will I have the courage, why do I have the hesitation since I already gave my life to Jesus, or izit that I have not. I am so worried. (Sigh) So many thoughts running thru' my mind, must really take time to pray.

me-lazy bum...

blur...
I just realised how stupid I was... I did not even know that the comments thing does not work until I did sth with it. Had to add it to the template. Wahahaha... Thanx Germ for the useful piece of info... :) Now, you can commment as much as u want... hahahhahha



thoughts about one-sided love...
I had bible study yesterday in church with auntie Carolin. Remembered some thoughts, and want to note it down.

She spoke about how heart breaking it gets when the one u love aka bf/gf breaks up with you, its like love not reciprocated. Ever had one-sided love before, its the same when God loves us so much but yet we do not love him back. We are always rejecting him, believing but yet our actions do not match holiness. We do not strive to be Christ-like, do u know how hurting it is to God. Its the same feeling to one-sided love. How sad...

How hurting it is to love someone but yet not get reciprocated love. Do we want God to feel that way too? Imagine how many people on earth rejected God this way? The tremendous pain we did to God, it will blow our human minds. God is so forgiving that we cannot compare.

Its late and there is church tmr. :)



uploaded pics..
I realised sth, the timin for the posts seemed a bit off cuz the timer cannot be fixed... its quite irritating... need to change my settings..

anyway its so fun putting pics up... nice... hhahhaha.... liked it very much... blogspot is getting smart... wah hahahhahah...



apologies...
Hey frens,

Sorry for putting links from yr sites without asking u all first. Heh, but I hope u all dun mind me placing yr blog links here, or else it looks quite empty n miserable. Wahahahhahah...





waiting to go to the "house of the dead"... dying of boredom just waiting... 





shocked face... so funny... martin n ying 





Splash n Dive'04 





weiying, ailin n rumin 



recap of last night n tis morning's QT
well, things are over. I cannot believe it, I think I take it quite well except for the fact about guys=jerks. I cannot really change that mindset for the time being. What did I learn today???

"The acts of the sinful nature are obviously: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatory and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like."
Galations 5:19-22

I think I have committed like most of it. Haiz... All because of 1 stoopid guy, not worth it at all. Actually, basically, the QT talked about jealousy mostly and how we should be filled with the Holy Spirit so that we will not falter. Well, It seems tt I am not really in tune.

The funny thing is yesterday, i mean in the morning at 12am like tt, Lawrence managed to guess that it was because I saw a pic of joshua with another girl, tt is why I cried. But the strange thing is he doesnt have me in his frenster n neither do i have. The more I think, the stranger it gets. He cannot possibly know this website either because I only told 2 ppl so far. Oops... unless it got leaked out which is highly impossible... well, he said he guessed, I see no reason why he should lie to me unless he is joshua. Good den...

I feel like a heavy burden have been lifted off me because of that struggle I have with Josh, eversince the start of time. Well, I am glad its over, really glad... ;)



i hate joshua
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...
i hate joshua...



i hate joshua....
wat a creep!!!

i know its weird at one moment i m sad n the other moment i am angry... from tis pt onwards, nobody shall mention the name joshua in my sight or he/she shall face a horrible punishment... urgh.......................

tt horrible fool... use of trickery on me... urgh... to think tt i still hope of reconciliation... wishful thinkin, no, its naive thinkin.... stoopid...... urgh... he makes me puke... yucks... to think tt he can get over me so fast, wah piang, make me seem so low value n unwanted... good, u stoopid idiot... get it from me... dun ever appear in front of me or i will heck u into millions of pieces... mark my words, jerk.....

i am angry...

conclusion: guys are still jerks big time....



Devastation....
devastation... That was what I felt when I saw Josh taking a pic with another girl. Great, wonderful... Isn't it? Wasn't that what I always wanted? To know that there is no hope left. So sad, I do not how to describe my sadness. Its like the hope that I have always been pinning about stopped, stopped when I saw that photo, that horrible photo of the two of them. Tears welled up in my eyes, misery filled...

I guess that is it. The end. End of story. No need to think of him anymore. Isn't it great? Sad... forever... haiz... Why am I so stupid? Why... I really really hate it... really do... haiz... Its better this way, better than all the other ways. Only way to make my heart broken and at the same time, remember him as the jerk for life. Why? Haiz... Ya, that is the best for him. I guess he is very happy now. May God bless him.

:( I wonder how God has prepared for me for this day. I broke someone's heart, so in return, my heart was broken. :............( Lots of tears flow down my face this day and I pen it down in this entry to remind me of this dreadful early wees hours... Depressed...

3 years of singlehood---a reminder that guys are really chou nan ren... Haiz...



About him again!!!
rights, i just read my previous postings, saw the post on the foul mood and realised I am suppose to have forgotten him by now, which it seems, things are not going on well. URGH!!!

Stupid me! Thinking of Josh, I do not know I should hate him or like him, seriously. Now, then I realise loving is so hurting. It hurts so much that when I think of him everytime, my tears just flow. Can you believe it? I think its really esxaggerating but it really happens. Wah... How sad can it be, man!!! Haiz.. Poor me... ha

I hate it!!!



thoughts of tt (u know who)
sad sad... today, reminded me of tt guy, Joshua... in case, u dunno, germ... its not our sch josh... anyway, back to the pt where i was sad... cheryl, happen to know josh's best fren n he is in nus.... i saw him the other day but didnt bother saying hallo... i m glad i did not say hallo... save me the embarassment.... imagine.... i also dunno why... just felt super weird.... haiz...

y is my brain filled with nothing but images of Josh... urgh... sad life... will prob forget him someday.... i wonder when will tt be.... stop havin anything related to Josh, probably it will be easier to forget... well, it seems like its the exact opposite... urgh.... feelin irritated.... sad... haiz.... wat to do? stoopid me.... haiz.... sad....




thoughts...
gone are the days where i m dumb n not net savvy... i just bought my laptop... woohoo.... gone are the days when my sis will nag at me whole day for using her com n she cannot use it... wah hahhahah.. now i have my own... yay!!! THANK GOD...... i love my laptop.... so convenient....

rights.... updates.... got into NUS... fresh start... fun man... enjoyed everything.... so fun to just enjoy the varsity life.... woohoo.... n start a new bible study with auntie Carolin... so good.... learnt a lot.... feel more blessed... with every new thing i learnt from the bible, i feel so refreshed.... charged by God everytime...

Constant prayer: to always have in mind God n his word so that God will be able to allow me to live out the Christ like behaviour he desires.... whoohoo.... hee...