Thursday, November 11, 2004 | 12:27 AM

realisation of the matters of heart and God..

sometimes i wonder if i placed too much time thinking about Joshua rather on God.. i think it has always been chucked in the back of my head.. i do not want to think or just keep shouting "SHUT UP!!!" to God.. haiz.. bad..

i wonder how much i have drifted away.. i thank God for giving the best memories of my life - joshua.. even if it was short-lived, i m grateful.. so strange.. although it was miserable.. but the joyfulness springs from the moment i knew him.. so the rest doesnt matter.. even if he hated me alot.. i guess tt's life isnt it.. i have to learn somehow someday n know tt prob one day, he will know.. maybe.. my hope is not on him but on God.. and in tt, i m very certain.. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. reminded of this verse makes me realise tt i should stop sinning.. must get a grip on myself..

being a christian is nv an easy thing-- as my pastor mentioned to me just now.. me, being a cell leader cannot even get my group together.. struggle at every single step.. i dun feel i m contributing esp when most of my time is spent thinking about where is the next diving trip.. ha.. i still love God.. i nv want to be in a situation where i compromise.. but diving makes me do tt.. urgh.. i seriously need to pray.. slacker.. haiz..

my life is going thru transitional mode.. today, went for the Anglican Youth Leaders Network (AYLN) thingy.. met my SERVE frens.. realise tt their lifes are filled with serving God.. makes me really think m i contributing.. not tt i want to outperform or anything.. but "faith without deeds is dead" in Hebrews.. so u know.. deeds..

i love my family.. i still love joshua.. n most imptly, i love God.. i feel blessed.. :D joyfulness springs from a heart which looks towards God.. yes.. hopefully the next time i blog in, i will write some improvements i have made.. ha..

exams are just abt the corner.. urgh.. ha..

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